Getting older is sad in a way. Nothing is really a mystery anymore. If a kid doesn't understand something he creates some fantastical way to explain it. I kind of miss that thinking, especially from the standpoint as an artist or writer. HOw cool would art be if it was created by someone with the same thought process as a child but with the hardworking diligence of an adult? I'd like to think I could get there. When I draw I try not to think about the drawing itself, i like getting to place in my mind where I'm thinking about nothing, but still being able to completely focus on what I'm drawing. It's like meditation. It is meditation actually. I've noticed I can't do it around other people. I have to be alone or listening to music to draw my best. I'm so totally a badass monk.

I'm worried about my older sister... I dont trust her with people in general. I don't think it's even my brotherly love, she's just socially retarded. She already has problems with her other roommates and it's still the first seamster. How? She told me about the falling out they had and even though she was the one telling the story I could already tell that she was in the wrong. Oh well. She'll make lasting friends someday. But the real problem is how she deals with boys. Well men actually because she never dates anyone less than 6 years older than her. What the f***? She's 18 dating a 26 year old. Blah. She gets to obsessed and puts her entire being into these weird relationships and gets crushed at the end. Oh well. Itll all work out, she's my older sister and she can make her own decisions, even if they're dumb. I'll be there whenever she's hurt :p

My grandfather is an interesting case. I dont get him really. How can you not try contacting your grandson for an entire year after he moved back from another state for 5 years. I admit to myself I was hurt. But I can't really say much because I didn't really try contacting him either. Things have been working out Better this year though. Driving seems to have brought us together :p ever since he took to my first divers test towards the beginning of the year we've been a lot closer. Sure he's full of himself and loves hearing himself talk for hours on end but he's my grandpa, I love the guy. I think he feels guilty about last year and has been spoiling me with clothes and stuff... I think I'll survive ;)

Why do my parents have to assume I pick sides? Everytime theres a disagreement or something among the 4 of them I have to pick a side. How about... I'm neutral. You're both right and wrong. Right now theyre freaking out about me being upset over my mom court ordering my dad to pay child support. How am I supposed to even pick a side on something like that. Ridiculous. My dad has to support me, my older sister in college, my younger sister, and a baby not even born yet. My mom on the other hand never asked for full child support and is just doing it for me so I can survive college. They're both right. But I hope they realize it's their business. They probably shouldn't have even told me. Oh well. 7 more months *sigh*

I really need to grow up. This is my last year of highs hoop and I need to take it more seriously. Not that I need the credit or anything, I need to prove to myself that I can function on my own without my parents pushing me to do more and better. I'm getting too comfortable and it's really starting to show. I don't want to be that slacker kid who could've done whatever he wanted and f*** up everything because I got comfortable. I gotta step it up. GET MY HEAD IN THE GAME.